The 6 am Poet

Cautiously I step out my door
As if I've never before
The air so crisp, and cold but clean
Leaving upon my skin a sting
That playful sort of pleasure pain
Like that of sun shining thru rain
In the distance I see the sunrise
Thru these burning bloodshot eyes
Wide awake tho mostly closed
I stare at the morning's glow
Another sleepless night indeed
Another warning I failed to heed
A night like many others before
But in this night I found more
Time passed from night to day
In its very normal way
But in the silence as I paced around
This sleepless night left a treasure found
Life's about changes we know
Life's full of signs we're shown
"Everything happens for a reason you see"
But what is its reason for me?
That was the thought clouding my mind
Thru the night's passing of time
The answer lay before me clear
And the realization drew a tear
This isn't the dream I imagined so
It never was and this I know
Now it's time to say goodbye
Without question, concern or why
For just as the cold lay shock upon my face
I know it's time for me to leave this place
They say when you leave, you can't go back
Trust me friend for this is fact
Come home often to visit and play
But never come back home to stay
For once you've made a life for you
Never retreat from the new
So pardon me as I pack my things
Don't be sad, for my heart sings
I'll close the door and walk away
Not too long and I'll be on my way
Living the dream I dared to dream
No matter how foolish it may seem
I shall not be a tree rooted in the ground
I am a spirit onward bound
Will I be back someday?
Of course I will but not to stay
I can now see clearly the plan
And I'm focusing in on who I am
Lover of life, adventure and mystery
Off to write my own destiny




Don't you just love it when late night "think nights" lead to awful poetry? I do. Just as other things in our lives inspire pitiful works of travesty like broken hearts (whether you are the breaker or even the breakee) or those occasions when your heart is overfilling with emotions, just whatever the cause. I've always found that it is fun to note them, jot 'em down on some random notebook or scratch paper, or in this case a blog. Then one day, you stumble over them and remember the reason those words, thoughts, expressions came to you at that moment. I don't know, it seems to give a better understanding overall. Whether you look back and think DEAR GOD! HOW PATHETIC WAS I? Or you relive the experience and all its pain. Or maybe even rejoice in it.

If I'm not making any sense, I don't think I'm supposed to after a full night of no sleep. But for those of you who know me, first off you know I haven't been able to blog in for freakin ever because of my hectic work schedule. AH HA! Fixed that didn't I? Also you are more than likely aware of how difficult this adjustment has been for me. The adjustment of getting out of the military, coming home, learning how to be a civilian again and so on. I've been struggling with it all for the last four months, second guessing my every move. Not sure from one moment to the next what I was actually trying to achieve. For the most part, there for a good minute or two, it seemed like EVERYTHING I tried seemed to fail. It got to the point where I seriously thought if I heard ONE more person say "Everything happens for a reason", then I was just going to punch them in the face! :)

I was tired of that copout bullshit! But, then I realized, they were right. (ahhh the masses are always right! damn it!) The answers laid right in front of me....guess I just had my eyes closed. Maybe I was too scared to see it. Or maybe I just didn't want to. Then BAM you get blindsided and slapped right in the face with the obvious. Sometimes my own stupidity amazes me! :)

It is true tho...once you leave home, you can never go back. I find it humorous now that my time spent in Hawaii, I was longing for, remembering, and missing a place that didn't even exist anymore. I thought my place was here, in the Kakalak. The comfortable, familiar place where I grew up. Just one catch.....this place isn't comfortable or familiar anymore. A few scattered friends who have since moved on with there lives. Most not doing anything different than when I left, just moved on from me in my absence. My family is here. My family is my backbone, my strength, for my nephew's smile and laugh alone is priceless. But it can still be priceless and they can still be my backbone even if I don't share the same map dot with them. All this stuff seems pretty simple and easy to understand i know but when fear, doubt, and confusion clutter your mind....it can feel like rocket science.

My destination has been chosen and soon I will be on my way. The thought alone relieved about 6 layers of anxieties from my skull. I will keep you guys posted on the progress, quite a few things have to be taken care of first. But lets hope I'm able to give myself the birthday gift I so desire.