As the world turns upside....

Take a moment and reflect back to when you were 15 years old. For some of you that might take a good minute or two but please gather there with me. I say 15 because back then we enjoyed things that we don't really enjoy so much as an adult. There are lots of things I could list, but today I'm going to focus on one in particular. CARNIVAL RIDES.

I'm not sure what happens, because at age 15 we think such things are AWESOME! I used to spend tons of time and money at EVERY fair/carnival and the like that would make it's way to my little town. Funny that back then, Tilt a Whirl just didn't "do it" for me. You know what I mean? I needed it to be daring...I needed it to stir the adrenaline a bit. Ferris Wheel? That thing was for kids, old people, and those wanting to make out. I was always eager to jump into the line for some heart stopping, gut wrenching rides. What happened?

I ask because I was fortunate enough to attend the "Sports Carnival" at the Aloha Stadium this past Friday night. For starters, all my Kakalaka folks can appreciate the fact that this little carnival made the Stokes County Fair look like the Dixie Classic. It had about 5 big people rides and some games. It was cute I suppose. So naturally, I attended with someone who was more than eager to ride everything that made my stomach turn to knots. I DON'T KNOW WHY! I used to ride this stuff and enjoy it. Now just looking at the ride makes my ulcer act up. Not to mention I seem to be slightly more concerned about the construction of these very rides. I never cared before...stuff coulda been hangin loose and I would have begged and pleaded for the ever attractive ride crew to let me on anyway. So to my surprise, as I'm sitting there on even a slow paced not too thrilling ride, I got a little nervous that they found a bolt on the ground and started to search for where it came off.

Tilt a Whirl (though not at this carnival but at the Punahou Mud Fest 2005 that Deanna, Rob and I attended earlier in the year) proved to be enough good hearted fun for me and Deanna. Then at the Sports Carnival I'm FORCED to ride that big circle known as the "Ring of Fire". You know...the one that's basically a roller coaster that only goes in one big loop. STUPID. But anyway, I was joined on this ride by Shaneazy and her side kick Patrick. Patrick said it best as we were suspended there in air, upside down, all the change falling out of our pockets, "there is no need for this, just no need". I agreed with Patrick also when he commented that the ride just took up too much space. But seriously, what is fun about that? just forced to hang upside down in this contraption like a gosh darn monkey! Gettin' all bruised from the restraints, losing everything you're carrying for what? to slow roll back and forth in a circular motion??? HOW IS THIS FUN? WHY DID I EVER THINK THIS WAS FUN?

The Zipper...

At one point in time the Zipper was most definitely one of my favorite rides. If you can't picture it it's the one that has ferris wheel like seats but they are caged. The ride rolls you around like you are a freakin hamster in a running ball. Round and Round...Round we go like Tupac says. As you can imagine, Mr. Patrick was a huge fan of this ride as well. Granted, after I got used to it for a minute, I did find it fun, but I think for the most part the fun stuff was listening to Patrick and Shanelle scream and complain in horror! Otherwise...flipping back and forth, back and forth, again losing the contents of your pockets, truly not necessary.

So what happened to me? Am I silly? Did this happen to you guys? Am I alone on this? I can't even imagine trying to ride like a for real ride at a theme park. I imagine I'd lose whatever cheese dog I'd just scarfed down!

"Proper" Vehicle Maintenance

So, I'm not the mechanic type. And though I know most of the basic little rules, such as: change your oil every 3000 miles, I don't always abide by them. Not on purpose, I have been known to be somewhat forgetful at times. As far as oil changes go, lets just say I was VERY forgetful. I'll refrain from telling you just how many miles my truck did travel before I actually decided/remembered to change the oil because I want to avoid embarrassing myself as well as having all mouths of those who read this drop to the floor.

Friday afternoon, after an already long and stressful day, myself and Deeez Nuts, set out on a mission to maintain my vehicle. We stroll into Checkers and D just knows exactly where to go. (I shoulda took shop in High School! CURSES!) She goes and grabs this and that and this and that until we both have arms full. Oil filter, oil, some windshield washer fluid, a couple of tools, some box to soak up the oil, and "while we're at it" she says, she grabs an air filter. I walk out very satisfied with my purchases and impressed by Deanna's knowledge of the task at hand. Onward to IHO PLACE.

After throwing on some old clothes and feeling proud that I was finally going to do right by my truck AND I was going to learn to do something automotive related on my own, we set off to the car wash area of the complex. We said to hell with that memo that came out a month ago about no more oil changes there! I popped the hood, grabbed my flashlight and some rags and I was ready. Deanna slides up under the vehicle with the greatest of ease and starts to work her magic. I was the light holder. I didn't mind. I'm slightly claustophobic and well lets just say my truck is a tad bit lower to the ground then say the hmmvv's (that's humvees for all you civilians out there) I'm used to crawling underneath.

D was struggling with the bolt and asked me to take a stab at it. So now my once hexagon shaped bolt is now a complete circle. Yep, stripped to the bone! Why does anyone let me pick up tools? Didn't we learn our lesson with the drafting table incident? I grew up using my mom's heels as a hammer for christ sake. Just tell me NO from now on. Needless to say, we couldn't get the bolt off. Taking a break for a moment...we decided we'd tackle the air filter while we pondered what to do next on the oil change.

So, air filter's aren't supposed to be black! WHO KNEW? The disgusted look on Deanna and Rob's (who's brute strength made it possible to change said air filter) was enough to let me know that this was unacceptable. OOOPS. Oh well, now it's nice and white again and oh so fresh and so clean.

...back to the oil.

I decided I'd check the oil to see exactly how much was in there. I haven't checked it yet, so why not? YEP, bone dry! Go figure! We decided that in that case, there was so little oil to drain that not being able to remove the plug at this time wouldn't cause any further damage than my laziness had already created. "We'll just change the filter and add new oil" says Deanna. Back underneath the truck we go...

Deanna struggles for a good minute with the filter and her attempts to remove it meet with negative results. MY TURN...can't strip this one so I guess it was ok to let me have a stab at it. Twisting and turning for DAYS it felt like, while Rob and Deanna decided it was "Be mean to B day" as they stood over the truck. Not only discussing my negligence toward my vehicle but apparently I'm a bad friend as well 'cause I haven't been up to Rob's place yet for microwave hot dogs. MY BAD! I don't let their evil comments get me down though, just continue to play tug o war with this stupid filter. I ask Deanna, "Hey, no oil is going to come out right?" She replies with "Nah!"

I knock the catch pan/box thingy out of the way to try and get a better grip and position on the situation at hand. Few more tugs and FINALLY she's loose! I'm so excited....then AH HA! I GOT IT! Yep, I got it alright! Had I been just a little lower down it would have been straight out of the movie "Better Off Dead" OIL RIGHT IN THE EYE TYPE OF THING! But no, just down the arm, the shoulder, chest, so forth. Did I mention due to the extensive travel prior to...it was about 200 freakin degrees! AGH!

Roars of laughter from the peanut gallery.

And this is how not to take care of your vehicle!

Reasons you should NOT, I REPEAT SHOULD NOT DRINK!

1. You may wake up the next morning and realize you've had a 10 minute confession to a trash can......"Fresh cut broccoli"
2. You repeatedly fall down and continue to blame it on your wooden leg despite the fact that the same leg doesn't cause you to fall down on a daily basis.
3. You might make out with a complete stranger and the whole time think it's someone else.
4. You might find out the next day that the stranger was "someone else's" cousin.
5. You might break a nose...And enjoy it.
6. You may awake to find yourself LOCKED inside your friend's car with the windows only slightly cracked for breathing purposes as if you were an animal, only to realize she's gone on to the next bar without you.
7. You may find yourself waiting outside of a bar to jump someone who started a fight with you in the bar, even if you have torn ligaments in the shoulder of your strong arm and it's immobilized.
8. You may start a fight with a hooker.
9. You may fall down and rip some borrowed clothes.
10. You just might give someone a hand job.
11. You might decide to drop trou and urinate in the bushes right in front of the big window at Denny's and think it's ok.
12. You might dance the Charleston in Denny's .
13. LADONT, ladon't let her near you if she's got a drink in her hand!
14. You may wake up the next morning with unexplained black eyes and cuts across your face.
15. You find out two weeks later that the black eyes and cuts came from a very large man who didn't appreciate your incredible charm (extreme sarcasm and mordant wit) like your friends do, who in turn proceeded to punch you not once but twice, knocking you off of your barstool.
16. You realize that 14 and 15 happen quite often.
17. You wear a sheet and a clip on mullet....ON PURPOSE!
18. You argue with random people at the hot dog stand outside of Moose's.
19. You may squirt you're best friend with ketchup and mustard and laugh about it.
20. You may be inclined to skip the trip to the bathroom and just urinate on the bar.
21. You might get video taped.
22. You may just lose all senses and go spelunking in "April flowers"
23. You might get a tid bit nipply.
24. Beer goggles are a bitch!
25. You may pass out at the table and drool so badly that Air Assault could rappel from it.
26. You may pass out and drool all over your roommate.
27. You just might find yourself having sex in the back of a truck (the bed I mean) in Saratoga Parking lot.
28. You could wake up and find yourself lying in a pool of pistachio shells
29. You might sleep with "sponge bob"
30. (when on deployment) "Fatal Attraction" with her "Sponge Bob" voice might drop a fist full of dimes and you wake up the next morning with a field grade.

....you know i love you dawg!

CHEW ON THIS....What I'm doing right now!

got asprin?

....5 hours, 50 1st graders, field trip. Need I say more? GOD BLESS kindergarten/first grade teachers! They have their work cut out for them! Maybe that's why Deanna is bananas!

Fruit Loops VS Cracklin Oat Bran

Here's a good question which was asked to me this morning. At what age do we put down the Cocoa Puffs and pick up the Bran Flakes? Is it so wrong to be 25 years old and still diggin' on some Fruity Pebbles? Who says I have to eat Smart Start just because I'm an adult? Should I feel immature and ridiculously silly just because I'm carrying my box of Boo Berry to the cashier instead of some Go Lean Crunch? All my favorite cereals, kid cereals I guess you would call them, with all the sugar coating and marshmallows, and things that make the milk turn cool colors while you are consuming, taste great! Can anyone out there dispute that? I don't care how grown up a person is, no one can tell me they don't enjoy some Apple Jacks from time to time. Furthermore, who TRULY enjoys the taste of all that bran and adult cereal out there? It's like someone chopped up some cardboard and threw it in a box and said, "HERE JUST ADD MILK." GROSS! The only way I can choke down a box of cardboard flakes is if I empty half of my sugar bowl on them first. But really, the only thing that does is now make it a sugar coated piece of crap. YUCK! I'm sticking with my Cap'n Crunch Berries and you guys can keep your Honey Bunches of O's.

And yes, the prize inside may help determine which cereal I get on that day. (big smile)

LET ME STATE FOR THE RECORD...

I'd like to thank Miss Erin for bringing this thought upon me and helping me to investigate my true feelings about breakfast cereal. THANK YOU!

By the way, D digs the adult stuff, claims she always has....SIGH!

* * * Romeo Update * * *

I'm very sad to say that Romeo has indeed left the building. He is now back with his original owner, HOPEFULLY the abuse ceases. What should one charge for oh...I dunno...4 months of Fish Sitting? Send me your thoughts.

In the meantime, DO IT!

Banana Guard (This is wrong on so many levels and I think illegal in 3 countries)

Mind Altering ENERGY DRINK! (How come Red Bull never has this effect on me?)

At the tone the time will be...... (Useless, but fun)

alas....OUR VERY OWN FAN CLUB!

Never did I imagine that little ole me, alone with my little ole blog would create such a stir here on the (as Rob says) intra-web. However, lately, it has come to my attention that many have come to love and adore my nervous chatter. THIS WARMS MY HEART! I set out on a mission to touch the lives of those out there wandering around aimlessly in life. My only wish was for them to find me here, enter my protective wings and let me love them like no one before.

On that note, let's meet J! (refer to picture below) J, is a 29 year old CANUCKLEHEAD (courtesy of the Racial Slurs Database) male who lacks intimacy in his life. I can't imagine why such a charming 29 year old Matthew Lillard looking reject would have such a hard time finding intimacy. Let's read what J has to say about his troubles..."Funnily enough, I spent the majority of my childhood buried in books and avoiding other semi-social activities - I'm almost shamed to admit that I went through the whole roleplaying game geek phase... even more so to confess that I preferred sitting in my room and making characters rather than playing the game itself."

It does seem to offer a small glimpse into why J might not be able to find exactly what he is looking for. I mean, come on, socially detached since youth? Head constantly buried in a book? Please do not misunderstand, I am all about curling up with a good book, though I must admit I did manage to have quite a social interaction as a child, a teen, and now even as an adult I am constantly engaged in social activities. Probably the reason I have better things to do with my time then search the web for blogs to stalk and lay upon them my two meaningless cents. But let's look deeper than that. J continues "I don't have a nice car, I don't have a girlfriend, I don't have 'success' (but this is a whole other kettle of fish)... "

Why am I not surprised J? You are quite the looker! (detect underlying sarcasm here) PITY PARTY? TABLE FOR ONE? Awwww, poor J, I feel for you with my deepest of sympathies. See, what I imagine is this...J is a 29 year old internet dork who goes to work at a pathetic dead end job that his pricey ($5 dictionary, $7 thesaurus) vocabulary and excellent grammar couldn't even help him to get. No girl wants him for a few obvious reasons we have already disclosed, no nice car? I'd say that is a result of the career field he's chosen. I'm going to guess, barista? Or cashier at Borders (you know those cats are disgruntled rejects, MOST ANYWAY) I imagine that a day in the life of J would go as follows:

The alarm strikes the waking hour,
Out of bed and into the shower,
Stumble to the closet door,
Put on the green apron once more,
Turn the key of a broken down ride,
Won't start again, at least I tried,
Off to work, must catch the bus,
Where all day long I listen to fuss,
However did my life get this way?
Perhaps I should listen to what my shrink has to say?
9 hours down, the coffee is all out,
It wasn't so bad, til I saw my net pay amount,
Back to my house, my parents that is,
In a damp dark basement that's where I live,
Rush to my notebook, not the paper kind,
On the internet is where I spend my time,
Searching so hard site after site,
Same thing happens each and every night,
Start with some culture, maybe a blog or two?
Then its on to the personals sites when that's through,
No mail again today, why am I not loved?
Grab the lube and get the glove,
Connect to the porn now, got accounts on all sites,
For this is how I get to sleep each night,
Lying in bed tears fill my eyes,
I fight them back by telling myself lies,
Fooling myself on all scales
Burying the past forgetting how I've failed
No one is greater than I
and tomorrow I wake to continue the lie.

As I said, everyone, please welcome J into our lives, for he is a lost soul that needs some attention. All of us, more fortunate individuals with promising careers and significant others in our lives often forget the little guys. The miserable little people who because they lack a sense of self try to find it through the pain of others.

Let us pray..

Everyone please give a nice warm welcome to Mr. J, founder of the Nervous Chatter's Anonymous, he's my number one fan! 

SLAPPY TANG meets SNAGGLE TOOTH

So there I was...reading over my boy's blogger, checking out all his little links that I can't view when at work, thank you SIGNAL for blocking everything FUN on our computers. I think I'd have to say that my favorite website while at work would be the one that flashes BLOCKED across the screen and informs me that I'm being monitored. Love it! Anyway, strayed again, sorry, it happens often I'm afraid. "In the world of kiddom, the mind switches gears rapidly" as Ralphie so eagerly informed us in "A Christmas Story". Tho, (mispelled for convenience, just protecting myself from the self righteous, no life, web surfers who like to critize the way I express myself [refer to comments on "a whole new language" post]) anyway, I may not in actuality be a child but I always want to semi reside in the world of kiddom, after all, it's fun there. DANG IT, I did it again.

FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS

Rob's blog, websites, ahh yes. I stumbled upon the Prison Bitch Name Generator. This is not surprising knowing the Big T like I do and fondly remembering the night we all sat around the 2604 and got aquainted with our Porn Star Names. Mine, was indeed SLAPPY TANG! How awesome is that? Just call me SLAPPY! Rob's was CPL Hardon, Pedro = General Sticky, Sarah = Nikki ASStroNUT. I think these are the best ever.

It wasn't very long ago that Rob and I were seated at one of our little food spots that we so adore, if not for the food alone, for the name DIRTY LICKENS! Granted, they boast about New York style wings and lets be honest people, on the island of OAHU they don't know the first thing about New York style anything, but the foods not bad, the name, even better. In fact it was the fact that they sell t-shirts there, of course saying DIRTY LICKENS, that Rob thought it would be a great idea to make up sorta co-ed softball jerseys using such shirts and putting each of our porn names on the back. I think it's a great idea...still in the works of course. Who has $12 bucks for t-shirt when you gotta XXXXXXX XXXXXX'X XXXXXX XXX XXXXX XXX XXXXX XXXXXX XXX XX XX XX XXXX XXX XXXXXXXXX. I censored the bashing comments on my "new found money problem".

As for the SNAGGLE TOOTH? I bet you can imagine that is my Prison Bitch name. Again, its fabulous! But remember back in the day how each of us was forced on our own to come up with our porn name? By taking your first pet's name and the street you grew up on. By that standard, I was none other than...Midnight Pleasantview. Not bad, but I'm diggin SLAPPY TANG more! So thank the GOD in the heavens that he has given us web based generators to create them for us now! AMEN.